Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage?

Condoments

Your wife is always willing to blow your bonus check.

I usually tell dad jokes, most of the time he laughs.

We couldn't see eye to eye and she couldn't see a future with us together. According to her, I can't see from her point of view.

It was worth every penne.

She excitedly goes to her husband, and shows him the ad. "Look honey," she says, "It's in two days and only $1,000!" "I'll be honest with you," said her husband, "I have too much work for a cruise. How about you go and have a good time?" His wife is a bit disappointed but bounces back and decides she will have a good time anyway. The next day, the husband is in his office when his co-worker, who is also his mistress, comes to him excitedly. "Hey babe," she says, "There's this cruise tomorrow that is on sale! Only $1,000!" "I'm really not into cruises, to be honest," he replied, "Here's $1,000, why don't you go and have a good time?" She agrees, and as it turns out, both his wife and his mistress ended up going on the same cruise. A few days later, his wife comes back from the cruise. As she tells her husband how much fun she had, she shows him photos she took. While looking them over, he notices that his lover is in some of the photos in the background. He points to her and asks his wife: "Who's she?" "Oh, her," sniffs his wife disdainfully, "I call her the cruise-slut because she slept with half of the men there." The next day, the husband goes to the office and gets the same excited story accompanied by photos from his mistress. Once again, he sees a familiar face in some of the photos - his wife. He then points to his wife and asks: "Who is she?" "Oh, her," his mistress replies, "She's such a nice woman, with all the men on board, she never left her husband's side for a second!"

Then he started throwing quarters at me until I left.

You beat the hell out of them

Real G's move in silence like lasagna.

And most times the reason is stupid people doing stupid things.